First of the Month Photos: September

My body fat went down! Whoo! On the left is June, on the right is September.

My photographer may have been drunk for September's picture.

Definitely progress on the stomach area! I'm not wearing my bikini bottom lower, my stomach just sags less...that's gross as I type it.

My butt is a bit perkier, and I feel like my stomach is smoother, like there's less of a pooch at the bottom than there used to be.

I think it's time to tie my bikini top tighter. I didn't feel that it was crooked.

I'm going to say that my butt is definitely perkier. And I think my legs look leaner. I also think less back boob for sure. Maybe my ribs are thinner too?

Anyway, I'm pretty pleased and I'm glad I'm comparing to three months ago. It's easier to see if I'm really making progress.

(Amount in parentheses are compared to last month, not running total)
Weight: 200.8 (-1.8)
Body fat Percentage: 34% (-1%)

Hm.

I had a weird thought today: what will it be like when I do lose the weight? As it is, I already find myself running my hands over my slowly flattening stomach. Will I just be constantly fondling myself?

Even the girl above, while at a truly reasonable and attainable shape for me, I cannot imagine what it will like. I could wear anything! Maybe it won't be as weird when I get there simply because it will be such a gradual process.

Science!

Has everyone figured out how much I love research? Intuitive eating places a lot of emphasis on why dieting doesn't work.

I can totally understand, and speak from experience, as to why dieting doesn't work. At one point I was up to about 190 pounds (back in high school) and believed I was a huge cow. I wasn't. I was heavy, but I was wearing a size 14 and relatively healthy - by no means was I a cow. Anyway, I did something about it. I lost about 30 pounds. I got down to a size 8-10 and felt great! (Hence why that's my first big goal, and potential stopping point.) I didn't think I was done losing weight, but I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable again. I relaxed. Then all the weight came back, with an extra 15 pounds.

Remember how well Keto was going? I got down to 193!! I haven't been 193 since this time LAST YEAR. Then something happened...and at the start of IIFYM I was two pounds heavier than I was before I started Keto. I always thought it was me! I thought I was to blame. How could I  do this to myself? Again?! You want to know a secret though: It's not just me, and it's not you either.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but when I hear the word "binge" I think of an eating disorder. The binge/purge cycle that is associated with a true eating disorder of life threatening magnitude. That's not all it means though! My secret trips to Panda Express, ordering the two entreé meal because I knew it was going to be forever until I my resolve would break and I would have it again, that's a binge. No, it wasn't 7,000 calories, but it was a binge in every other sense of the word.

In theory, intuitive eating will help keep this from happening.

Feelings of Freedom

I know this will sound weird, given that I've only decided to ditch traditional diets a few days ago, but I feel so liberated. I'm excited to cook! I peruse recipes online and I'm thrilled thinking about what it will taste like, not calculating what the macros are for a small piece, and trying to plan my day around making it fit into my daily macros. I can pick any recipe I want and not worry about substituting ingredients because it has carbs. It's that feeling of elation, the last hurrah before a diet starts:

 Only I don't have that restrictive diet to look forward to on Monday. It's awesome. I even weighed myself today to see if I had actually lost weight or if it was just a random blip. I'm down 3 pounds since Sunday. It's weird.

For me, it's been about not restricting myself, therefore alleviating cravings, and eating only when I'm hungry. I'm not someone who eats when I'm sad, or when I'm upset. Nope, I eat when I'm bored. Watching Netflix, working on my novel, doing homework - all that mindless eating has really added on the pounds. I knew that was my problem, but I'd convince myself I really was hungry. Maybe I was, but I certainly wasn't hungry enough for all that I was eating. This feels like it will really stick...assuming it works.

Holy Shit!

On my first day of Intuitive Eating I had soda and salty pizza. I would expect some bloating, some water retention, and definitely no weight loss. I woke up this morning and weighed myself as usual and found I was down to 201.3! That's a loss of 1.5 pounds! I would have been thrilled to have weighed the same amount.

We'll see on Monday if my measurements match my weight loss or if I should be concerned.

Intuitive Eating: Day One

I am pleasantly surprised at how well today went! Breakfast was a protein shake. I'm not normally too hungry in the morning and it was nice to not force a heavy protein filled breakfast. Lunch was half of a small fruit tart that my coworker brought me. Dinner - and this truly amazed me - was Dominoes. I love pizza. I love it way too much. Normally I'd sit down and eat at least half of a medium pizza by myself. Plus parmesean bites. Oh, and some cinnamon sticks dipped in icing...and by some I mean half of them.

Tonight I had two pieces of pizza, four parmesean bites and two cinnamon sticks in frosting. Is that more than I needed? Actually, no. I feel pleasantly full, not uncomfortable and bloated like normal.

This is awesome.

Measurement Monday: August 26th, 2014

Due to being sick, I haven't really watched what I was eating. Let's consider this my intuitive eating practice run?

Abdomen: 44.75 (-1.05)
Waist: 34.25 (-1.25)
Bust: 44.25 (.25)
Chest: 37 (-1)
Hip: 46.5 (0)
Left Arm: 14.37 (0)
Left Forearm: 10.75 (-.05)
Left Calf: 16.25 (0)
Left Thigh: 27.5 (-.25)
Right Arm: 15 (.5)
Right Forearm: 10.75 (-.05)
Right Calf: 16 (-.25)
Right Thigh: 28 (-.25)
Neck: 14..37 (0)
Current Weight: 202.8 pounds (-1)
Inches lost: -3.4
Running total: -.47 inches, +6.8 pounds

Those inches are a pleasant surprise! I'm really excited to see this. It gives me hope that intuitive eating could work.

Intuitive Eating?

This past week I have been so sick. I don't know what happened. I woke up Wednesday morning feeling terrible and have been waiting for death to take me since. I even called in sick three days last week. It's a rare occasion that I call out of work.

I've realized that IIFYM  isn't going to work right now. I'm too stressed with school, work, and fixing up the house. It's just not happening right now and I think it will only get worse as we get closer to the holidays. I'm going to try intuitive eating with a focus on protein.

The main argument against intuitive eating is that intuitive eating is the reason why most people are fat. That's true, to a point. I know the big reason I eat is boredom. In the past, boredom eating meant candy, baked goods, and sweets. I still eat when I'm bored, and I'm working on that, but now when I'm bored I eat jerky and sunflower seeds. I don't want candy. I don't crave sweets and carb filled baked goods. I crave real food. I can't tell you how badly I want a (Monterrey-jack) cheese  burger on a homemade honey-wheat bun with a thick slice of spicy red onions, brown mustard, and spinach. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I found a great article on intuitive eating on Huffington Post.

I think it took Paleo (i.e. eat some fucking vegetables and stop with the processed junk) and keto (i.e. step away from the bread, fatty) to teach my body what I want and need. IIFYM also brought to light how protein deprived I've been (and probably why that burger sounds so good!). What's the plan now?

GYM:

Monday: racquetball with Dad! This is something I'm actually really looking forward to. I'll go. I want to go. It's going to be great and it gives me a chance to spend time with him.

Tuesday: Best case scenario, I'll hit the gym on Tuesday between work and school. I get off at 4 and class isn't until 6. That gives me enough time to hit lower body. Upper body is too time-consuming once you figure half an hour to drive to the gym and change, then half an hour to drive to school.

Thursday: Racquetball with John! This might be a pipe dream, but it'd be great if he did some cardio. Hopefully we'll do some legs before hand. He doesn't want to lift lower body because he already has a hard time finding jeans that will fit over his muscled thighs.

Friday: Upper body! John will definitely want to join me on Fridays. He's self-conscious of his slim arms. Plus Friday evenings are pretty dead at the gym, especially in the weight room.

FOOD:
I really want to start cooking more. It's starting to cool off now (my kitchen is only 85 degrees instead of 95!) and we've been eating out too much as it is. I'm hoping Thursday-Sunday I'll be cooking dinner at home. I want Sundays to be the day that I make something big that we can either take to lunch or reheat for dinner Monday-Wednesday. The focus of every meal will be protein. No more grilled cheese sandwiches. I also want to start making my own bread again.

FASTFOOD:
No more fast food by myself. No quick dinners grabbed on the way home. I'll eat when I get home.

BLOG:
What do these lofty goals mean for this blog? Good news: You'll be getting more recipes! More cooking means more recipes, and I might as well share them. Hopefully with less stress I'll post fewer whiny "counting macros is hard" posts.


How does intuitive eating factor in to all this? Well, my goal with cooking and eating at home is that I'll be eating more nutrient dense foods. Even home made bread is better than store bread. No corn syrup, no preservatives to extended shelf life, no chemicals and dyes to make it look fresher. I will not eat when I'm bored. I will eat when I'm hungry. I will make myself one serving and put everything away. If I'm truly hungry, I can get it all out and make another serving. I can tell when I'm boredom eating because I don't want to put in any effort. My quesodillas are cheese only, no meat, no onions, no salsa. Just cheese and a tortilla thrown in the microwave. It's not even that good when it's microwaved. Cooked in a pan is way better.

Tracking Fail

I'm not doing well tracking my macros. It's not like it takes that much time to track, but it's one more thing to do, and when I'm already feeling overwhelmed, it's one thing I can choose to sacrifice. I've cut back on the carbs though, and I'm feeling much better, plus my skin is starting to improve.

On the other hand, my protein has been less than ideal. I have no idea why the FDA recommends 50g of protein and 300g of carbs. It's ridiculous. Only eating 50g of protein? Yeah, no wonder vegans think they're getting enough protein in. 50g from non-meat sources is pretty easy, it's the other 100g that are tricky!

I like this version better:

I'd throw grains in where fruit is and combine fruit, sweets (basically the same thing as fruit), and swap them with nuts on top. I love nuts, but I can understand how some people could over do it. They're high in fat and protein and could be over done. Plus, the whole nut/seed oil debate.

Cardio and Thyroids!

I love racquetball. It's great. I'm so happy to be back playing again and I can't wait until John and I start playing. I'm hoping I'll be playing twice a week soon, once with Dad and once with John. Then I'll actually be doing cardio like a real person! Plus, racquetball isn't just cardio. It counts as high intensity cardio. Not quite HIIT (high intensity interval training), but still relatively high intensity.

Within 8-10 minutes I'm winded - not that it takes much. I may evolve in to being a "cardio person" instead of:

I finally understand what people mean by pick an exercise you love. Don't get me wrong, I love to lift, but I'm not longer quite as pumped about it as I was before I injured myself. I'm not great at taking it easy.

In other news, I finally got my thyroid results back. I'm totally normal, yay!

Stress Management? What's that?

I don't drink beer. I drink bitch beer.

I have always drank hard liquor. I never liked the taste of beer. The thing is, hard liquor doesn't encourage winding down or have the social camaraderie aspect. Recently I've really been enjoy Mike's Hard. While Peppermint Schnapps will always have a place in my heart, at this point it makes me want to take a nap.

I have to admit, I've been pretty stressed. I haven't heard back from any of the jobs I've applied for, my house is a disaster, I hate my job, and my coworkers are easily frustrated. Seriously, Mondays and Thursdays are shitty because they're made that either the week just started or because it's almost, but not quite yet Friday. Seriously, who cares if it's Friday?! You're going to work five days a week for the rest of your miserable lives - why stress out about what day it is?

On top of my house being a disaster, my hair is coming out in handfuls,  it's muggy and hot in my house, I'm still helping my friend move, our dog is still sick, I'm getting sick, and I just used the last clean spoon - and it was plastic. It's awful. I'm really going to try to stick it out another three weeks in the hopes of finding a job, but I'm tempted to put in my two weeks and sign back up with the temp agency. Other people are making $4-$5 per hour more than me doing the same work. My job probably wouldn't bother me so much if I were being paid what others in my field are.

Measurement Monday: August 18th, 2014

Things I did this week: applied for 22 jobs, worked a week from hell, medicated our sick dog, helped a friend pack, dealt with babies, went to the gym.
Things I did not do this week: track my macros, watch what I ate.

Abdomen: 45.8 (.8)
Waist: 35.5 (.5)
Bust: 44 (.5)
Chest: 38 (.5)
Hip: 46.5 (-.25)
Left Arm: 14.37 (-.38)
Left Forearm: 10.8 (-.2)
Left Calf: 16.25 (0)
Left Thigh: 27.75 (-.25)
Right Arm: 14.5 (0)
Right Forearm: 10.8 (-.2)
Right Calf: 16.25 (0)
Right Thigh: 28.25 (0)
Neck: 14..37 (-.13)
Current Weight: 203.8 pounds (-.8)
Inches lost: .89
Running total: 2.93 inches,+7.8 pounds

Although I gained inches, I don't mind. I'm thrilled my neck measurement is going down. That's a real sign of progress! My neck doesn't care if I'm  bloated or have been eating crappy. My neck doesn't puff up from too much sodium. This means I'm actually losing inches! Plus, for not watching my eating, I'm not disappointed.

First Night with a Trainer

We did legs.

Ow. It hurts to sit. Not to sit down, but to sit. Just sitting in my chair typing hurts my quads.

Anyway, this was my first time with a trainer (it was free). I really enjoyed it. He was smart, polite, and knowledgeable. He said my form wasn't bad, but needed a bit of work. He showed me how to get lower in my squat, and some cool new exercises. It was wonderful. Would I pay for a trainer every week? No way. Not on my limited income. But, I can see how some individuals would benefit from regularly going to a good trainer. He really pushed me a bit more than I would have on my own, and having a spotter definitely gave me more confidence to go heavier. He was great, and I will definitely be going back to him in a few months for a form check and progress.

Also, my new gym? I'm pumped! It's really nice. I'm going to have to start going on the way to work instead of on the way home though, because it's pretty busy at 4:30. That's okay though. I don't work until 10, so I've got quite a bit of time in the morning.

Also, I'm now set up to go play racquetball with my dad after class on Monday nights. I'm so excited! I love racquetball and it's pretty much the only cardio I'll do for an extended period of time. I can't wait! We used to play a few years ago once or twice a week. It was great spending time with him and good exercise. I don't recall losing weight, but I think I would have if I'd been watching my diet. Hopefully John will be willing to start playing too, and we can start going once a week too.

 

Only 24 Hours in a Day

Everything involves sacrifice - which is a bummer.

 My job has gotten to be pretty stressful, I've written nothing in the last two weeks, I've gone to the gym zero times since I burned myself, my dishes have piled up in the sink, my house is a mess, laundry needs to be put away, and school hasn't even started yet!

What have I been doing? Working, preparing for school, house sitting, house hunting, researching mortgages, looking up properties and trailers for sale, planning my wedding, applying for new jobs, taking care of a sick dog, and crocheting my wedding dress.

A piece of my wedding dress.

Plus, I haven't had sex in over a month. First I was injured, then John was sick, then I was house sitting, and now that I'm back John isn't feeling well again and is freaking out over our poor dog that keeps coughing like she has Valley Fever. Ugh.

I'm just having a hard time shuffling my priorities.

Things I need to do:

• Apply for new jobs
• Workout
• Eat better
• Fix up the house
• Clean the damn house
• School (which starts in 2 weeks)
• Medicate the dog (a 10 minute ordeal twice a day)

 Things I want to do:

• Research housing
• Get John to commit to a house decision
• Plan my wedding
• Have a social life
• Build a shed and stop paying for a storage unit
• Crochet and sew
• Watch Netflix

Things I'm currently doing:

• Applying for new jobs
• Medicating the dog
• Crocheting
• Watching Netflix
• Researching housing

 It's close, but there certainly isn't enough of my "Need to" list on my "current" list.

On top of all this, there's a great housing opportunity that John is reluctant to take advantage of. The property next to my sister's is empty. It's a rent to own, the owners are the parents of a couple I know, they'd love to have us out there, we could do whatever we wanted to the property, and it's an acre and a half! The only down side is that we'd need to move a trailer out there. Personally, I don't see this as a downside. It means we get to move the nicest place we can afford, the perfect place for us, out to our own acre and a half of nice cleared property.

John is less than thrilled. He doesn't want to mess around with finding, moving, and setting up a trailer. I don't blame him, BUT were we to buy property, nothing in our price range has a liveable trailer on it. We'd end up dumping thousands of dollars into fixing up a trailer instead of just moving a nicer one out there.

Plus, I don't think he realizes how much it would mean to me to live close to my sister. John and I want to live in a rural community. Being 30 minutes from town, 30 minutes from the police, and 30 minutes from the fire department means that having a strong community is imperative. I love my sister, her husband is wonderful, I know all their neighbors through various house sitting jobs, and they all are so close. If you need anything, call. There's always someone available and willing to help (of course that's expected to be reciprocated, but that's fine). I would be able to walk to my sister's house. There's a path between the two properties. It would mean the world to me if we could live near her. I just don't know how to make John understand that.

On top of all that, we also need to save a couple grand by January. You know, it's not like it's hard trying to save money during the holidays, right? Ugh.

So, today starts a new day! I meet with my personal trainer, I start at my new gym, I'm applying for jobs daily, and breakfast has been healthy. Here we go!

Measurement Monday: August 11th, 2014

I know, I disappeared for a week. I've been house-sitting. It's been terrible and so have my eating habits.

Abdomen: 45 (.5)
Waist: 35 (.5)
Bust: 43.5 (-.25)
Chest: 37.5 (.25)
Hip: 46.75 (.5)
Left Arm: 14.75 (.5)
Left Forearm: 11 (.25)
Left Calf: 16.25 (.25)
Left Thigh: 28 (0)
Right Arm: 14.5 (0)
Right Forearm: 11 (0)
Right Calf: 16.25 (0)
Right Thigh: 28.25 (.5)
Neck: 14.5 (0)
Current Weight: 204.6 pounds (0)
Inches lost:2.75
Running total: 2.04 inches, +8.6 pounds

Oh well. On a brighter note, I switched from the YMCA to LA Fitness. LA Fitness is closer, it's on my way too and from work, and John joined with me, which means that we can workout together (or I can workout at a nice facility and he can join me for racquet ball once or twice a week).
 

More Tweaking

I'm liking IIFYM a lot. You know why? Convenience food. I won't lie. I love fast food. Panda Express, Tacobell, Chinese buffets, greasy Mexican fast food, I love all of it. What I don't love is how IIFYM has caused my face to break out.

The left was on keto (the black shit on my face is roofing cement), the right is from this morning. I'm pink in both pictures, but I feel like I'm much more red on the right, and the breakouts that I have on the right are big and scabby, whereas on the left they were relatively small and not very noticeable (and didn't become inflamed).

Rather than go back to keto, I'm going to tip my macros slowly in that direction to figure out the issue. It isn't all a matter of sugar either (which was my first thought). I ate sugar (though sugar alcohols), I ate fast food (though keto approved fast food), and I ate gluten (in low carb wraps), so who knows? Instead of160g of carbs, 47g of fat and 130g of protein I'm changing it to 102g of carbs, 120-140g of protein (goal is 140g, but I know that's tough) and 72g of fat. I'm hoping this will help my skin, without sacrificing my gym and weight loss progress.

Measurement Monday: August 4th, 2014

This weekend was once again full of grease and salt. John got a great new job, and we were celebrating. Worth it. I'm still feeling great about the progress in my pictures, so I don't care that my weight went up.

Abdomen: 44.5 (0)
Waist: 34.5 (-.25)
Bust: 43.75 (.25)
Chest: 37.25 (-.5)
Hip: 46.25 (-.25)
Left Arm: 14.25 (-.25)
Left Forearm: 10.75 (0)
Left Calf: 16 (0)
Left Thigh: 28 (.25)
Right Arm: 14.5 (.375)
Right Forearm: 11 (0)
Right Calf: 16.25 (0)
Right Thigh: 27.75 (-.25)
Neck: 14.5 (0)
Current Weight: 204.6 pounds (+.2)
Inches lost:-.625
Running total: -.71 inches, +8.6 pounds

It's going the right direction! My goal for this week is to lose a pound and go back to the gym. My burns are healing well enough that I think I can exercise without being on fire. 

IIFYM vs. Calorie Counting

I calorie counted for years. I'm a professional calorie counter, honestly. I've done so off and on for about a third of my life, so trust me when I say I'm well practiced. The thing I loved about calorie counting was that macros didn't matter. This meant that if I wanted to, I could eat a package of chocolate fudge pop tarts for every meal and in theory lose weight.

A package of pop tarts is only 400 calories. If I ate pop tarts for every meal I'd still have an extra 200-400 calories at the end of the day! I could have an entire cup of chocolate ice cream to end my day of pop tarts. I wasn't always so bad about my food choices, but I certainly wasn't looking to hit nutrition guidelines. I just was watching calories. This was good and bad. On the one hand, I'd lose weight eventually. On the other hand, my skin broke out and I felt like shit all the time. On top of that, eating wasn't about being healthy and getting thinner, it was about sneaking in as much crap food as I could, and losing weight simply due to deficit.

IIFYM is great, because there's that emphasis on health.

The only down side is that it requires so much tracking of so many things (fat, carbs, protein and fiber, vs. just calories), that some times I felt a bit obsessive.

Still, I'll take the hints of obsession over eating crap simply because it fits into my calories for the day. It's hard to eat crap all day know how much protein you'll have to eat at dinner to make up for pop tarts for breakfast and lunch. Besides, I'm really enjoying my progression back to eating real food. Paleo was difficult to have a life with, keto was better but still a challenge. This is very attainable, and after being so restrictive the last 6 months, I'm having no issues staying within reason on my carbs (which some IIFYM-ers have a hard time with).

August Photos!

At first I thought I was looking worse, but the more I look at it, the better it is. Also, just as before, May is on the left and August is on the right. I decided to do May instead of June because I wasn't sure there'd be enough difference, and I haven't been having much weight success so far. I'll probably do it on a three month rotation. That'll show progress better.

Dark marks are the burns

It looks bad, but if you look, you can see more space between my stomach and the top of my bikini. My face looks slimmer too, though it could just be the angle. Success!

My hand and arm look thinner.My butt looks a little bigger, which is always good in my opinion. It's a little hard to tell because the lighting is so different, but it looks like my rib fat is going away though.

My back is looking more muscular! I think the back fat is really getting better. Plus, my butt is a little more...smile shaped than a straight line. The bat wings seem to be about the same though. Oh well. My waist looks a bit narrower and defined though. I think I'm really making progress. I think with the lighting, it made things look worse than they are. Plus I have delts!

More good news? I was able to tie my bikini top tighter and it doesn't look any worse. I'm feeling much better about things now. I'm not going to start measuring my body fat and posting my weight each month. Hopefully that will be encouraging.

Weight: 202.6
Body fat percentage: 35%

Awaiting Results and Photos

While my photographer sleeps (seriously, this guy sleeps way too late), I thought I'd take a minutes to talk about my thyroid test. I actually got it done  the other day, and I'm currently waiting to hear from my doctor (hopefully by Friday). I'm a little anxious about it.

On the one hand, it'd be convenient (that sounds bad) if there were something wrong. That'd explain why I've been having such a hard time losing weight.On the other hand, if there is something wrong, what if I need medication? What about side effects? It'd be nice if there were just some magic pill that would make all my exercise and healthy eating work infinitely better and I become a fat burning machine, but I'm concerned about side effects. Plus, if the medication simply doesn't work for me, or the easiest solution is going off birth control...nope. That's not happening. Fat is almost always a better option than pregnant.